Strangely enough since.. id say the start of this year, the last couple of weeks, I've been going through it.
Like I've had pains! ( As we all experience from time to time) But a lot of pains.. a lot of feelings that have taken me completely away from myself and I cant even explain it. I haven't really spoken about it, its just been happening to me and I've just let it happen.
I haven't been myself.
Why?, well nothing too extreme has happened, its not one thing I could pinpoint or say. Its been a number of things building up and I think now its all just come at me and I'm not really sure how to react to it, so I've just withdrawn and let it get to me, possibly not in the best way..
Whats worse is there has been such a slow process to this point that I don't even think people around me truly see it or recognise it. But I certainly know it. Or maybe they do and they just think everything is normal ( what is normal...) .
As a result I don't even really want to be around anyone - mad ting .. serious I feel like Im better away from it all till I get in the right mind. But being recluse doesn't help either- you can get too into your thoughts and it just makes it harder to get out again, so I have to still be out here somehow...
I have an open outlook on many issues, I believe many things are possible, beyond our own measure and thoughts,
I am all for uplifting, seeing unity among communities, seeing people inspired through music and through my music! - when I get random messages from people telling me I've inspired them- that gets me all the time or being invited to perform at shows or whatever it is.
What I see in strangers, children, art and nature. There is so much beauty out there, so much around me, from my family, to friends, to other musicians and artists that I know - all elements around me that i see, hear and feel that enrich me as I experience life. So do not misunderstand there is so much that i am grateful and thankful for.
Also know that I didnt create this 'blog' to sound negative, to be pitied or to vent ( actually slyly to vent) ..
But sometimes when you connect to humanity and all that surrounds it beyond the shallow, it can be crippling. Everything is intense and constant - even the smallest things become big, it does frustrate me. At the moment I am just connecting to too many things in that way, its a little draining still..
I am trying to move on from many things:( written in white)
'Definition of Growing Pains - the difficulties experienced in the early stages of an enterprise- a bold or complex project'
But at the same time, I understand what this period of time is. I have to let it be lived in order to grow from it. its part of the process of change. I have seen and envisioned the other side of the process but I have to first get over this . Embracing this moment and how I react in this time, will be reflected in how I come out of it.
'You have to allow yourself to be broken in order to be remade' ' To be remade you must allow yourself to be broken, how you deal with this process will determined the end result of your transformation'
So I face these truths;
I am understanding that I am being broken,
That I am loosing friends and people around me that I care about who don't understand this journey
That people who I thought would be here are no longer here
That people had expectations of me and left when I didnt meet them
That I am finding it hard to communicate
That I have doubts sometimes
That I've been disrespected
That society is still racist and sexist -
That assumptions and stereotypes are still a thing
That I am trying to find the right individuals who can create and bring my ideas to life
That to many I wasn't believable nor convincing and so they disregarded me
that opinions of others are not valid as much as the opinion of myself on myself, yet I cannot work in frameworks and mindsets against me, - it cannot be me against everyone
That I've seen some coonery which has been annoying
That I'm tired of the shallowness I see
That.. I'm tired of a few things
Okay I am literally tired and I'm falling asleep, must post now, if I leave till the morning, strong likelihood it will not be posted. (may revise, continue tomorrow)
Pains are real.