Today ( well yesterday, just gone past midnight)
2009, this date I lost my dear cousin, to cancer,
I cant really even type this,
But I need to type it,
I think it helps
i want to be vague- but its so close that I may be specific.
and today has been busy, because life is so busy. Its so busy. this day and age and in London and being young and being an artist and working and just living! and you are constantly fed with information visually, audibly, all senses everywhere. there is NO off, so you hardly think, or you do think but what do you even think about? something to do with your day, or what you are going to do tomorrow, or what you done today and didn't do, what he said and what she didn't say and everything in between and around that, or you remember something else, or someone asks you something or you eat something and it changes your mood or something happens because we are constantly interacting with different people everywhere at all times, so something of conflict even small happens... everything is constant !
and if you are like me sometimes you forget
sometimes you forget, maybe the things you should remember..
and not that you have forgotten what it was because you do often on other occasions think on that, but for the time that holds greater significance, for the time that should hold more significance to you, you forget!
how do you even do that?
why? because you are so busy with life and there are other things that occupy your life for that moment ... and i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing
But others don't forget, others cant forget, they never forget because THAT is the most, was the most central part of their life and so they never forget, and they think and feel that pain daily, the pain that you float around in your thoughts, few times delve deep in, they are drowned in ! constantly they are mourning and in mourning and aching and i was on the piano the other day and I'm playing it a lot more than i used to now, i am finding the urge for it again and I'm studying and developing. I go back to what i know of course and I play 'In Time' . A song that only my family know, i am yet to record, and not because i do not want to, but i must find the producer who can understand. i sing it and i sing Only Human and Wondered and Away and anything with that pain. in that moment i drown! I don't know how we cope with the people that leave our lives, they exist and they go and its something we all will do, something we all go through when others do so. I experience it in small doses, say friends who i don't speak to or see anymore and i miss them but its nothing compared to not ever being able to see someone ever again because they are no longer! they are gone forever
That is so much pain
I speak to my aunty and i don't know what to say to her I don't know what to say to here because I feel the pain, but she feels it! he is a part of her, he came from her. I cant get to her either, i cant pray with her- i can pray with her, but I sometimes don't know what else to pray on.
I think back to his life and I don't know what God's will was, he giveth and taketh away and I don't understand this situation. But we all go through this! I know this is maybe a little uncomfortable, but how do you deal with it... how Song is an element of healing, even if for the brief moment, before life distracts, its comfort. I have to record the song for all of us I will be recording the song for all of us